Bwandon - Part Dos

I read my old post, and though it's how I felt at the time, I now realize how flawed my thinking and understanding were. So I shall attempt to correct what I've come to know as true.

I don't think "it" was ever gone. Not over Thanksgiving break or ever. I think that I had  a lot going on. I was driving back to school the next day. I didn't want to go back. I didn't like my major. I didn't like my classes. I had finals coming up in a week. I felt really alone in general. Most of my friends from high school seemed suddenly very unlike me. Other than family, I only had two or three people I was interested in hanging out with. I wasn't used to that, but I knew it was what I wanted. Now the fact that I even wanted to see Brandon is amazing. I think I didn't want him to leave. (It just started pouring down rain; it feels fitting for some reason to mention that.) I think I was distracted while I was there on top of trying to suppress typical Bwennie feelings for Bwandon. But it was all still there whether I showed or felt it. 

I think I really was the one who initiated stuff...

The four kisses since Brandon...only one had actual intentions of a relationship behind it. That was kaput in the matter of a week or so back in August. Of the other three, one was awkward, one was fine and became awkward, and one was just stupid. And I feel like I should say that all these kisses happened between last May and September. Apparently I had some slutty months or something. Whatever. They didn't and don't mean anything to either person, and I think it was an attempt to prove to myself that I was over Brandon when all it did was make me realize how much I missed him.

I like Brandon the way he is. We are different in lots of ways, but I've changed and become more like him since college. He used to say and do things that drove me crazy. Now I agree and say and do some of them myself. He's changed. I don't know how and neither does he, but it's there for sure. 

I don't like how I wrote the entire last post in past tense. I'm stupid.

What's even dumber is the entire "only did two things that impressed me." That's a lie. Everything about him impressed me. The way he kept life so simple. That's the biggest one. I could boil down everything that has ever upset me that was remotely related to Brandon, and it would all be due to something I did or mistook or misunderstood. I'm sure not everything is my fault, but none of that really matters now anyway. And miles on my car?! Freakin a...what kind of lame excuse is that? Thursday and Friday I put 1,000 miles on my car. That's the least of my worries. Though maybe the time I spent driving was hard to give it. Granted the place I was going was the only place I wanted to be. I don't know. I feel bad for a lot of the stuff I wrote, but I don't want to change it. That's how I felt in that moment even if it was wrong because I was bitter...

We were such babies. We didn't know anything. We still don't know much, but that's alright. We can talk now. We can have actual conversations and don't sit on the phone all night listening to each other breathe and call it a good thing because we're so comfortable. We really didn't communicate before. We just were. We just existed with each other. Now we can talk and still have comfortable ten minute pauses when we're both just thinking. 

Now I can once again say that I have no regrets in my life. And everything that I can think of on my end has been put out in the open and discussed and dealt with.

I see Pretty tomorrow! 

And a new picture because I can...