Semantics - Fall '07

I found Clemson's magazine when I was going through boxes of stuff I brought home. Here are a few of my favorite things I read in it.

Faith

Will Garrison

and when

you thrash upwards

gasping for breath, 

and your head breaks the surface,

as the truth fills your lungs,

perhaps you will find

everyone that you know

still underwater,

sitting contently,

believing in air

and drowning.

Whoever

Stefan Berkowitz

this world is funny, but

it doesn't make me laugh

my love has roots, yet

holds naught on its behalf

it's free when not in need

my eyes have never lied...

my heart is built on more

than faith that people hold

I can open wide my world

and show you my tremors

even when you can't help

but afflict with every breath

'cuz I do enjoy ruin

it lends honor to mirth

and makes a path for you

...whoever that may be

Hang On

Dan Ubilla

Wait.

Stop.

Did you make sure you weren't being followed?

If so, the jig is up and it's back to classroom apathy

And late night miseries.

There's something funny about the way you stroll

Into my point of view,

Not calm, but smooth.

A visual drug reminding me I don't have to be alone.

Pull the curtain from the pole.

Down the rabbit hole.

Late.

I'm late, so very late, but you'll learn all my faults soon.

Fashionable entrances aside, I'd lose my cool for you.

Action

Dan Ubilla

May the cameras roll and record every move we make tonight.

I can almost feel this town burning with every indiscretion.

It's as though we're all aware of the men and women that we'll be

And how these hours will be publicly denied but privately celebrated.

These regrets are tailor-made and laced with modern apathy.

The Last Kiss...is the movie I'm watching right now

I found out the other day that I didn't get hired on for the summer at the Arsenal because it was basically against the rules. My application made it through all the checkpoints, but the one department out of hundreds that they sent it to for finalization happened to be the one my uncle worked in. They saw my last name and immediately threw it out. Had it been sent anywhere else, I might've been there. It's all good though. At least I know that was the big reason.

I found a memory card that I lost in April. It had some very valuable (to me) pictures and videos on it from the Mae, Between the Trees, The Honorary Title, and Far-Less concert. Woot!

I have a bite on my toe, and it itches like the dickens.

Quote for the Day

"What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love. That's what matters. It's the only thing that counts."

Squirrs!

I love his music.

Just go listen. And maybe take a peek at his blog. The "Choosy Moms" entry is classic.

He's a nice guy, and he has his funny moments. Lots of funny moments actually. Woot!

=)

http://www.brianeltomi.com/brianeltomi/Music.html

I'm not sure where you are

But I know where I am

And it's not by your side

-Brian Eltomi

"Still Love"

Is this what you call tact? I never asked for your opinion. I just got it, and I get it. Nice to know you. Goodbye.

So I've made a list of everything I could think to post on. Here we go.

I didn't need a real job over the summer because I have lots of things to do sporadically throughout these months. I would have to ask for so much time off, it wouldn't be fair to my employer and blah blah. So I applied at Randstad, a temp service. One of the main ladies who runs it in my town is really good friends with my mom, so she called me first when there was an opening I might want. Two days after filling out all the paperwork, she called with a position open at C&S Plastics. It was a legit manufacturing, on your feet for eight hours, shift working job. I said why not. Bad idea. I was only there a Thursday and Friday. They wanted me to come back the next week, but I told them I had lots of school transferring stuff going on. I actually had a concert, appointment to get new tires, Lipscomb transfer reception, and something else going on that upcoming week. Anyway, it was eye-opening for sure. Not something I want to do ever again and definitely not something I could do for the rest of my life. The only reason I made it through was because I knew I didn't have to go back. I thank God for education and my parents who put me through school. The place makes car parts through injection molding. These huge 30-foot machines suck in resin pellets from huge gazillion gallon tubs, force them into a mold, heat it, and spit it out for me to inspect and package. Bleh. I made glove compartments for some Nissan car and defrost vents that are at the bottom of windshields for who knows what kind of vehicle. The people were the most interesting/best part, though it isn't hard to out-do that kind of work. No one knew I was a temp, so they kept asking me how I liked it "so far". I set everyone straight as quickly as I could. One lady told me I was too pretty to be there and needed to stay in school. One guy talked to me about masks and grills because the car parts we were each working on looked like them (mine a mouth "grill" and his a face mask). Second shift, 3-11. Death. No air conditioning. Just huge fans blowing hot air. It really wasn't bad, but it makes it sound worse. Two other guys argued about whose "baby" I was. Woot! I love me some greasy 39 year old men. Nothing against older guys. Nothing at all. But everything against these older guys. One lady was working overtime and passed the time by juggling spray cans she had to use on something.  Tractor trailer trucks loaded and delivered throughout my shift, so the dock doors stayed open. I kept looking for deer because the building was surrounded by fields. I never saw one, but it kept me going.  I was a lot more passionate about writing this blog at the time, but now I'll just stop.

I saw this morning that Brandon has a new gal. Sweet. Screw him. The last thing he said to me was "Thinking about coming to see you makes me sad," and "I'm sorry, but I miss my friends. I didn't realize it was even an issue." Apparently he's found some happy medium. He doesn't lie, but he wants so badly not to hurt anyone's feelings that he isn't always straight up with people either. We are officially done for good. I've said that like three times before but this is the first time I've actually meant it. I never could remember why we broke up, so we'd get back together as naive as ever. I know why now. I know what bothers me about him. I know what he does that isn't okay in anyone's book. I'll remember even if he doesn't. It feels good in a way but sucks in another. We didn't get to see each other that much, but I could call him 24/7 because I just wanted to hear someone on the other end of the phone. All friends say you can call anytime, but they're expecting you to only take advantage of that when there's an emergency. I feel like I really only have two people who I could call just to be blah with at 2AM, and truly I would only bother one of those people. Armandi. =) Shout out! Haha anyway...Brandon's a poopface because his backbone is quite weak and his heart is picky about when it wants to care for certain people. Immature actually. Not in his daily actions but in his dealings with tough situations. Shesh. He's pretty. But not pretty enough. I think of all our time together as almost a waste. A waste in most ways. Like 80% of the ways. But experience is never a complete waste, and at least I was happy though most of it. Hmm. Life is poop, too.

Lately I've felt really blah. I only have two real girl friends that I consider to be really important to me. Both have boyfriends and are really busy with their own lives. I haven't had a girls' night since junior year of high school. It's been about two and a half years. Thinks aren't as simple anymore. We'd talk about guys and be all giddy. I never get that way anymore. I feel like the guys I'd want to date are past that point, so I am, too. Yet somehow I'm still meeting guys who are scared to talk on the phone and prefer texting. Grow the eff up. I'm like the easiest person to talk to. Of all time. Ever. If you'll just call, I'll do all the talking. Promise. But whatever. They don't last long. I have lots of guy friends. Well, lots in comparison to girls. And plenty in general. I was always afraid I'd never have guy friends. We'd be together or we wouldn't talk. But that isn't the case now. And it isn't like I've slipped into the friend zone with everyone, and I'm worried about it. I love my guy friends. Part of the problem is that they're not exactly from around here. Massachusetts. Michigan. South Carolina. And until recently, though I think things shall be resolved, Indiana. As far from me as they can get. It's annoying. Like lots of loooong-distance relationships. It's hard for me to live through phone calls. Not only that, I went to school with the South Carolina kid last year. Since I'm changing schools, he won't be anywhere near me now. Poop poop poop.

They always say you find a boyfriend when you stop looking. I'm not even sure if I'm looking. I know I feel like I want one. I know I don't realistically need one. I'm not into "dating." I like relationships. Relationships that last until marriage, maybe? I knew the chances of that happening with Brandon were slim, but lots of people meet their life partners in college. It's all about timing. And Brandon had bad timing. And I told him that from day one. And now I know not to jump into marriage. Had he come along at a later date, we would've been married long before the two and a half years we saw and didn't see each other ended. So maybe his timing wasn't so bad for that reason. Goodness knows we couldn't be married. I want someone to call mine, but I don't need that someone for a while. I'm not getting married until I and my boyfriend are completely self-supported. There won't be any talk of "we can afford this house if we put our money together!" Nooooo. If I can't afford it on my own or you can't afford it on your own, this deal isn't happening. I've been in a household of financially dependent relationships since I was six. I don't think my plans are selfish. I look out for myself. It's the self-respecting thing to do, and I'll never apologize for it. Money causes enough problems. I'm not going to live my life asking if I can spend a couple hundred dollars on something. Of course I can. It's my money. I don't expect to make decisions that are going to hurt my relationship and/or family, so if I feel I can spend that money without it resting on my conscience for whatever reason, I will. How did I get on this? I need to pray more. 

I went Memphis to visit Tim/South Carolina kid. He's there doing summer research at UofM. Matthew called while I was there. He was in a wreck. He had an appointment at a hand doctor Monday in Nashville. He was planning to take a cab. He couldn't so much as write because his hands were bandaged so tightly. They had been burned and cut during the hit-and-run. I told him I'd leave from Memphis friday and come see him at Lipscomb. (He's in summer school.) Then I'd stay at a friend's apartment half an hour away in Murfreesboro, and come back to pick him up monday morning and take him to his appointment. I couldn't stay with him because girls aren't allowed in guys' dorms. Not even for a second. Anyway. We did that. It was fun. We couldn't figure out where we were supposed to go and ended up in Labor and Delivery. Woot! We finally found the doctor, and I began filling out a mountain of paperwork for him. To think I talked to this guys approximately twice outside of class in high school. Most of that was due to his then Nazi girlfriend but still. I don't think he gets me, yet. He doesn't understand how anyone can do so much for someone they know so little about. We don't talk about it, but it confuses him. We'll learn a lot from each other.

Why do famous guys always get the "pretty" girls? "Pretty" being the supposed definition of the word. Because those girls want the famous guys. But famous guys are usually jerks or Brandons...perfect until they find something they see as better. I'd say there are a lot of "average" guys who are a lot closer to perfection than celebrities. Girls are the problem. Girls and their jaded senses of realness. Girls and their wants to be APPEAR impressive. Yes, I envy girls who seem to have everything. But sometimes I feel like people could see me as one of those girls, and while there is a lot of good in my life, it's far from perfect and/or enviable in most cases. So when I envy girls for a second, I almost instantly feel sorry for them. Things aren't as great as they appear. No one's life is perfect, and sometimes it seems like there isn't anything to aspire to. There are so many random occurrences that life can't possibly be controlled. The little we can actually do to keep ourselves happy relies on so much more that we can't guarantee. What a mess, right? Bad things happen to good people. I've always thought that was how life worked. I told Momma that one day at least five years ago, and she tried to correct me. It's such a negative outlook, but I still believe it. It's not as negative as it seems. A lot is left out, but I consider it true. A lot like bad things happen to everyone, but to good people as well. Life seems great and something bad happens. People always say that, and it's true. It's the same thing. 

I've done many things that people would typically congratulate someone for. I'm ending all kinds of sentences in prepositions today. Forgive me. Graduating high school and all that normal stuff. I don't believe those are impressive things for me to do. I think they deserved a "good job!" and that's about it. They weren't hard for me. I enjoyed them, whatever "achievements" they may be. I really don't feel proud of myself for much of anything other than some personal decisions. People who hated all twelve years of school. People who weren't motivated by family at home. People who had no friends. People who took remedial classes and finally passed algebra two second semester senior year. Those are people who need all the graduation money in the world. They had to work for something that comes fairly easily to most. Those people accomplished more than I did with my 3.97 GPA and college and AP credits. Those people who made themselves get up every morning only to be made to feel below average until they got back to their bed that night. This isn't to say that anyone who barely got into community college has my utmost respect, but some definitely do. Moreso than some kids I know who breeze through DiffEQ second semester freshman year. I've never EVER been forced or required to be unhappy. If that was my life for twelve years, I wouldn't make it. No way. Impossible. I can only handle doing things that I'm good at AND enjoy. If either one of those characteristics is missing, it's a crapshot. I'm not seeing it through, and I can promise that. Granted I don't enjoy most things if they're hard for me and vice versa. 

New topic I just thought of. I'm going to be really sad if any of my guy friends get girlfriends/boyfriends. There are reasons, but they don't really matter. I'll still be sad. And that's that.

So my school situation is pretty annoying at the moment. I was sure I was going to Lipscomb, and it was going to be cheaper than Clemson. I was surprised being a private Christian school, but it was somehow. But then I realized that in all my figuring, I only calculated in one semester's cost of my room and meal plan. After fixing that it brought my total up almost $4000 to about that of Clemson had I stayed this year, with tuition increases and all. I haven't told Daddy yet. I'm hoping Mrs. Sylvia can find me more money somewhere. It's sickening. It's been over a month now. I'm not going to UTK. Nope. Nope. Nope. So if not Lipscomb, I'll go to Motlow for one semester or one year and then transfer to Lipscomb. I'm not sure how coming mid-year would work. But it may come down to that.

Our car insurance is supposed to be renewed next month. We got a letter in the mail saying the company won't renew it because of my "wreck," so Daddy had to find another company. My car cost exactly $0 to fix. The other guy I supposedly touched (I'm not so convinced I did because I never felt it. He just started blowing his horn, so I pulled over) claimed it cost $1300 to fix his car. Right. Two surface scratches the length of my finger cost $1300. Thanks retired Army General. Your lie cancelled my insurance. Luckily my judge at court was awesome and Daddy found a company that's even cheaper. It couldn't come at a better time with school prices going up and whatnot. And now we're going to have the money drafted out of the checking account every month instead of paying cash every six months, so when school payments start if I do end up at Lipscomb, Daddy won't have to pay $700 something dollars. It'll only be like $115. Everything always seems to work out but just barely and just at the last possible moment. Daddy doesn't handle stress well, so I'm hoping I can get things worked out a little better and pop the news on him when it won't be so severe. Of course the longer I wait to tell him, the sooner the payment days will be when he finds out, which adds to his stress. Yay. 

knashfknakfosdsjhabfasfbk

I think I'll stop for today.

Matthew's Hands...just so you know..

He doesn't have movement in his pointer and middle fingers on his right hand because whatever cut his hand cut his tendons. He has surgery friday.

Usher and the Harry Potter Gang

hate the song

love this video

and this is just funny

cause where you are is where you'll be - always wanting everything

I think I’m going to start some sort of something that allows kids in my town to realize there’s a world outside of Fayetteville and Tennessee and the United States. Kids here really don’t make big plans. We go to schools our parents went to, if we’re lucky enough to have college graduate parents. We major in subjects that will provide a lot of money or an easy job through family/friend connections when we graduate. We stay in-state because we’re told there’s no reason to go to your dream school when there’s something almost as good and half the price here, if we care enough to do the extra research to find a dream school. Throw in the Lottery Scholarships, and college is practically free. Stay in Tennessee. It’s sad. And the kids who do dare to dream just a little are clung to by everyone and critiqued. Suddenly your dreams have to be solidified and become reality. Don’t be another letdown for this antique town. Impress everyone like WE expect for YOU to do. Even family members get wrapped up in it sometimes. That’s the worst. You’re the only niece that your uncle wants to talk to. He’s the biggest success of the family. You could learn a few things, so you talk and listen. He’s asking questions. You’re stoked to tell all your plans to someone who can actually give worldly advice. His only response is “Now you want to be sure this is something that will be profitable for you. What exactly will you do with your degree?” Effin a! Shut your face! You’re less help than my freakin cat and you have about 40 years and the ability to speak English on him. That’s very sad on your part. Now go set up some new office branch in Ireland or wherever you spent the last few years. I’ve changed my plans once again and I dare say you’ll be even less impressed with me now. Enjoy your “almost successful” niece.

So yeah. That’s what I want to do. Zieja and I were talking tonight, and he is one of the most motivational people I know. Granted Worldwidemoment, my new school plans, and this new project are the only things I’ve ever been truly excited and passionate for, so I guess that makes Benj, Me, and Zieja the top three and only motivators in my life, at least in the most direct sense. But he got me excited about it and then fell asleep. The kid is just an upcoming senior in high school, and he already has an internship with Senator Levin, volunteers at the Detroit Institute of Art, is a main member of literally the best FIRST Robotics team in the world, works on Obama’s campaign, and volunteers somewhere else I can’t even remember. He’s telling me things about the world and people that I’m just beginning to see and understand. Conversations with him are always exhausting and long and enriching. I’ve gotten past his age. He knows more than 90% of my town before he even has his license. And he and I understand that’s it’s not even the knowledge that’s the most important. You have to do something with it. We’re going to, and we plan to drag along as many people as we can stand.

I think my mom is amazed that I have thoughts now. I haven’t even told her about this seeing as it was just suggested to me, but telling her my school plans brought about a lot more than smiles and nods. Obviously I’m doing something at least slightly unexpected. While talking I kinda realized why I didn’t like Clemson as much as I had assumed I would. I was hitting on it a little when I said that the people were very preppy, and my friends reminded me of ones I had in high school. But when Momma and I started discussing my going to school at Lipscomb and consequently living in downtown Nashville, she unknowingly answered my question perfectly. “I think you would like living there because there are endless possibilities. There’s such diversity in the people and everything around you.” Duh. Why didn’t I think of that?! Clemson attracted the rich kids who already had their futures mapped out for them by their parents long before they were born. No one cared about doing anything but getting out and making money. No one allowed his or her mind to wander. Everyone was the same and out to make friends just like them. (Of course the all-inclusive pronouns exclude a small number of people.) I hear Lipscomb attracts the same kind of student, but 2,500 students is nothing in a world of Nashvillians. I need to be there in the Fall. Have to be actually.

 

Okay, so as for these new school plans I have. I’ve decided to take on German, American Sign Language, and possibly some Spanish as side studies. Not a major or a minor. I will no longer major in any sort of international business. I want to own my own businesses straight out of college and no longer wish to wait until retirement to do it. Actually I may minor in a language if I decide there isn’t anything else I wish to really pursue, but I think I’ll find something. I love languages but when it comes to all the studying to become fluent, I don’t enjoy it. As long as I can communicate in some elementary way, I’m satisfied; thus, my new goal does not require me to be fluent. I will use my languages when I travel. I plan for my trips to be leisurely but hopefully helpful for others every time I leave home. So I want to own a bakery, a coffee shop, an old timey soda shop bar thing, a truck stop, and a music venue. Now some of the things could be combined. Coffee shop and bakery. Bakery and soda shop place. Coffee shop and music venue, though that’s already been done at Rocketown. The bakery will have options for all tastes and kinds of people. The coffee shop will be based as closely as possible to the Elk River Coffee Company because I’ve yet to find a place I like better. The soda bar won’t involve cooking anything but rather serving nachos and sweet goodies and ice cream and popcorn and fruit with cottage cheese and of course Coke. I’ll have the little bitty old timey glasses of Coke for five cent fills and refills. Maybe it can look like the candy shop in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The truck stop is for my daddy. Its location will be the biggest kicker. He’s always saying he has to go from this city to that one and there’s really no good place to stop in between. The music venue would probably be the funnest/most fun and trickiest venture. There are small bands I love love love that should be treated as traveling kings and queens. Artists would look forward to seeing me and my town and its fans. I’m not sure what town that would be, yet, but I know there are plenty that need to get into the music scene. Whatever. That would be a pretty sweet life. One business will start me off. Hopefully I can build up to the rest without selling out and keeping and making friends along the way.

Now back to helping kids see the world. Internships would be good. I never thought about getting one in high school because it’s something you do in college. Zieja opened my eyes to that. I’ll see how feasible that’ll be. I know some of the school board people and the county exec/mayor and whatnot, so I really think this is doable. I had no idea “doable” was a word. I’ve always thrown in a hyphen. Cool. And maybe it could spread to other counties. Unless a school is in or within a few miles of a big city - Murfreesboro, Nashville, Knoxville, Chattanooga, Huntsville – the kids are probably in the same position I was. Maybe it’ll cut down on pregnancies and stuff, too. Fat chance but we’ll see. I wonder what a good name would be and how I could spread the word. I guess the school board would do a lot if they got behind it, and I could go speak at schools. That’s really the only way to d it, with school board approval and help. Maybe a website. I think it’s important to not only get them job experience in bigger cities but to make them see countries can actually have one unified culture and make them believe they can see and experience it for themselves. They kinda know it’s out there because they’ve been told, but they need pictures and the hope that they can go on some sort of organized trip that’s offered every summer. Those opportunities are already out there, and kids here just aren’t taking advantage of it.

That’s enough for tonight.

I thank God for good people. I’ll be influential soon enough.

=)

do do do doooo

So I'm not going back to Clemson next year. I want to go to Lipscomb in Nashville. I got my certificate of acceptance yesterday. Sweet business. Hopefully Daddy and I can visit Uncle Kevin and Aunt Susan this weekend, and they can put in a good word with their connections as far as money from the school goes. Daddy doesn't want to pay what it'll cost because the school is in-state. It's also a private Christian school and four hours closer to home. We'll see what happens.

I think I'm going to go to Indiana next month. There's an off-season robotics competition in Indianapolis, and I want to see a few people. It can be my one fun thing this summer other than concerts and whatnot. My one fun out-of-state thing. Mental note: we should hit up Six Flags. We being whoever. And I actually just remembered Daddy and I are going to Texas in August. So I guess I get two fun out-of-state things, or at least one guaranteed.

I had A TON of stuff to write last night, but my internet was sketching in and out. It'll probably never be written.

Lots has been going on with Brandon. I'm not sure it's worth writing about, but I'll probably do it soon enough.

I get new tires next week. FINALLY! They kinda roar now because I didn't get them rotated as often as I should have. Poor baby car.

more boy stories...snap

Four kisses....eh. Last night I remembered another one in December. Again a different guy. I remember when I thought girls who kissed non-boyfriends were fairly slut-like. It wasn't that long ago! Anyway, this was a guy I knew had always liked me. We didn't meet until high school because he was a county school kid while I went to City. We had a lot of classes together because the high school has one option for honors or AP, and he and I took the hardest course load we could muster. I'll admit I was possibly interested in him in sophomore biology. He sat one seat up and over from me. Perfect view right? And his name was Brendan so the rest of this will be easier to type. I thought he was cute and definitely really smart, but he was shy so I never really started "liking" him. Junior year I don't think I thought much about him until second semester. (I just realized that I think of him as coming along basically senior year. He's been there even though we didn't talk, and he saw the stupid people I dated. Heh...I guess I should almost be flattered he still likes me. Actually I only dated one guy at the high school before I came upon Brandon. So he just saw that guy. And that guy was the worst one to see. Not because he was unpopular or nerdy or the star basketball player or anything okay like that. He graduated a year ahead of me still runs around town. Town rat. Eww. He had a twin brother, and honestly I would've taken either one. The three of us had Spanish together, and apparently I eventually weaseled my way in. Whatever. I don't even remember how long it lasted. Like a wimpy three months maybe, and I broke up with him. He was a rebel of sorts, and I got that through that "I want a bad boy" phase really fast...luckily.) Somehow this just turned into two stories. Anyway. Brendan. Second semester of junior year robotics was in full swing. I had been on the team my sophomore year. Brendan decided to join. I was a little excited at first. Maybe I'd get to hear him speak about something other than cytoplasm or capillary action. Within the first week, I saw not much had changed. He and I worked on different things. We could've made excuses to see each other and sat together at dinner, but why? It's not like he was actually going to talk. At this point Brandon had also come along. Just before Christmas while we were on break. We weren't "official" at this point (again, assuming we ever were), but I was definitely focused solely on him. So the season rolls by. We do really well, the best of my three years on the team. I make an awesome new friend at nationals who I still see at least once a year and maybe twice this year if I go to IRI in July. He's on my marriage possibilities list, though he's two years younger. He's smarter than I am in every subject except physics. Who really needs that anyway? Well a lot of people but not him and me. But he and I wouldn't make it through the engagement, though I'd like to be engaged to him so we could spend time together. We could learn a lot from each other. He's from Detroit, very fashionable, a "big spender" as he says, and just not a lover of the South. He always asks if everyone's been sitting around scratching their belly all day. He knows that isn't typical, but he really doesn't have anything to take the place of that idea because he knows so little about southern life. He says he will live in Manhattan and have kids if his career allows. That definitely isn't the life for me, but like I said, there's a lot each of us could teach the other. Thus part of the basis of his appeal. He's also just really a cutie and dresses super well. Awesome smile and super beyond crazy motivated. When I told him I was transferring schools next year, he immediately called two schools in Michigan to ask them about admissions and such. Michigan schools aren't even a consideration. Haha I love him. Zieja. That's what he goes by mainly. Pronounced Zee-Ja, but actually pronounced Zhay-uh. The first part is kinda like the first part of Jacques. I don't really know how to spell phonetically. =D Freakin a...back to boring Brendan. So we had physics together first semester senior year. No big deal. Mollie was my main squeeze in there. I just felt I should mention it because Dr. J was my favorite teacher. Then comes robotics season and AP English with Uncle Jack/Jack A. Jean/Jackie Boy. Our class was notorious for our teacher nicknames which we insisted on using. He called us scholars, so we came up with this joke. "If Jack A. Jean's students were on a boat, would it be called a 'scholarship'?" We decided it would be, so his new name became Captain Jack. Anyfreakinway! How do I do this?! So off topic all the time. So Brendan's sister is a year behind us and on robotics. She tells me Brendan joined the team the year before because I was on it. Great. Just great. He was probably the best looking guy on the team, though there was always one of the super geeky guys I liked. So Brendan and I bonded a bit. We had calc at Motlow first block, something together second block, and AP together during 4th. Add to that a typical thrity hour robotics week, and we had no choice. It really bugs me that I can't remember second block. Hmmm...ah! Economics with Coach K! Great class. He didn't bother me as much in there because there was lots of cool people. My annoyance then came from the kid behind me, Zach, who was coincidentally another one of the five kisses. He was in May. The week after prom. He was alright, though. He could actually talk to me. He sent me stuff on Valentine's Day one year. Junior or senior. It was supposedly a friend thing, but making the thank you phone call was torture. Again. Whatever. So Brendan and I were pretty okay. Our AP discussions always got heated. We had lots of top ten students and smart smart smart people: 2, 3, 7, 8 and kids who are at Vanderbilt majoring in Philosophy and at Lipscomb majoring in Physics and Bible. Paul was/is atheist. Sucks for him but whatever. Brendan has been in church all his life but probably knows as much about the Bible as I do. They would argue. I'd be on Brendan's side, but he just wasn't a good representative. And I think he was the only person who never noticed. He felt manly. Word got out that he was going to West Point. I had no idea he was even considering it. That blew my mind, but thank goodness he was accepted because everyone is fairly sure that's the day his life began. He now had something to talk about. Too bad Kenny B took some of the spotlight when he graduated Valedictorian and went to Annapolis. I'm a bitter individual, or maybe just partial. I've always preferred Kenny B. But then Brendan found out he had TB. Crazy right?! Apparently he got it at Basic the summer before. Thankfully, it was latent and he was able to go on with life normally. I was really worried about him, but as soon as we found out he would be alright, I really didn't have much pity for him. I'm not sure how good or bad or indifferent that makes me. So we graduated. Of course Brendan and I had to sit on the front row right beside each other. This is a long story. He and I hung out sometime in all this. Maybe it was over the summer. We went bowling. Awkward. I wasn't about to go to a movie with him. We took my car for whatever reason, and when it was time for him to get out, he didn't want to. He was waiting for something, and I just kept yelling "Oh listen to this song!" and texting. He finally left. We leave for our respective states and come back for Christmas break. The robotics kick-off is January 4th-ish. We're both still in town. I plan to go to the high school to watch it with  my old team, so I'll be ready to help my team in SC as soon as I get back. I've told Brendan this, and he has somewhere he has to be. We hung out at the coffee shop and amazingly had pretty good conversation for a few hours. Granted most of it was me voicing my worries and dislikes and hope for school. So when we're going to leave he somehow ends up with his hands on my hips while we're standing by my car. I'm like, "What the hey...the kid's made it through his first semester of plebe year, he can carry on a decent conversation now, you don't have to see him until summer...just kiss him and satiate his lips for a while." So I do. We do. It's not super long. It's just whatever. He leaves. I feel pretty proud of my move. Maybe mom would give me the look but she'll never know. And of freakin course he shows up at robotics the next day. Effin a. Give me a break. I almost didn't go when I found out he would be there. I was leaving before him, and he walked me to my car and stood and held my door open in the freakin rain while I sat there dry inside. I guess he was waiting on another kiss. Heck no! Especially not in front of all my former team members...or just people in general. Haha. That's horrible. I've tried to like him. He's obviously doing something with himself, and any other guy at West Point would have my full attention. Heh...the end I think. That is the "Brendan, Town Rat whose name I don't even like, Zieja, and Zach" story, respectively and some only partially. Wow. I shall go back and divide this into paragraphs now.

I'll also say I'm hopefully seeing Bwandon today. =) Frontier Days, tour of the Jack Daniel's Distillery for the millionth time because it's 20 minutes from my house, and then the drive-in. We'll see and he and I can sit through a movie now. Good day if it all works out.

I don't feel like making paragraphs. Two is enough. =D

Bwandon - Part Dos

I read my old post, and though it's how I felt at the time, I now realize how flawed my thinking and understanding were. So I shall attempt to correct what I've come to know as true.

I don't think "it" was ever gone. Not over Thanksgiving break or ever. I think that I had  a lot going on. I was driving back to school the next day. I didn't want to go back. I didn't like my major. I didn't like my classes. I had finals coming up in a week. I felt really alone in general. Most of my friends from high school seemed suddenly very unlike me. Other than family, I only had two or three people I was interested in hanging out with. I wasn't used to that, but I knew it was what I wanted. Now the fact that I even wanted to see Brandon is amazing. I think I didn't want him to leave. (It just started pouring down rain; it feels fitting for some reason to mention that.) I think I was distracted while I was there on top of trying to suppress typical Bwennie feelings for Bwandon. But it was all still there whether I showed or felt it. 

I think I really was the one who initiated stuff...

The four kisses since Brandon...only one had actual intentions of a relationship behind it. That was kaput in the matter of a week or so back in August. Of the other three, one was awkward, one was fine and became awkward, and one was just stupid. And I feel like I should say that all these kisses happened between last May and September. Apparently I had some slutty months or something. Whatever. They didn't and don't mean anything to either person, and I think it was an attempt to prove to myself that I was over Brandon when all it did was make me realize how much I missed him.

I like Brandon the way he is. We are different in lots of ways, but I've changed and become more like him since college. He used to say and do things that drove me crazy. Now I agree and say and do some of them myself. He's changed. I don't know how and neither does he, but it's there for sure. 

I don't like how I wrote the entire last post in past tense. I'm stupid.

What's even dumber is the entire "only did two things that impressed me." That's a lie. Everything about him impressed me. The way he kept life so simple. That's the biggest one. I could boil down everything that has ever upset me that was remotely related to Brandon, and it would all be due to something I did or mistook or misunderstood. I'm sure not everything is my fault, but none of that really matters now anyway. And miles on my car?! Freakin a...what kind of lame excuse is that? Thursday and Friday I put 1,000 miles on my car. That's the least of my worries. Though maybe the time I spent driving was hard to give it. Granted the place I was going was the only place I wanted to be. I don't know. I feel bad for a lot of the stuff I wrote, but I don't want to change it. That's how I felt in that moment even if it was wrong because I was bitter...

We were such babies. We didn't know anything. We still don't know much, but that's alright. We can talk now. We can have actual conversations and don't sit on the phone all night listening to each other breathe and call it a good thing because we're so comfortable. We really didn't communicate before. We just were. We just existed with each other. Now we can talk and still have comfortable ten minute pauses when we're both just thinking. 

Now I can once again say that I have no regrets in my life. And everything that I can think of on my end has been put out in the open and discussed and dealt with.

I see Pretty tomorrow! 

And a new picture because I can...

this is going to be intense

I have nothing to do today but blog. It isn't my perfect idea of ways to spend my day, but it is a good time waster.

I left Clemson last Saturday morning at 3:30. I had a final the night before til 8:30ish. I loaded my car for another two hours, checked out, bought supper, went to the hotel with Daddy, and was in bed and asleep by 1. I got up at 2:22, took a shower, and drove back to Tennessee. Bubba graduated from Motlow that day at 11 on the main campus. (He's already been at MTSU for a year, but apparently there was some random elective he didn't have credit for at Motlow when he finished there last year. He transferred in credit and was able to graduate this year even though he's pretty much been done since last Spring.)That meant another one hour drive once I got back to the house. Not fun stuff. I'm at Krystals right now and these men are staring in my direction. Creepers...yuck yuck yuck! Anyway, we made the drive, Bubba graduated, and of course Uncle Rodney wants me to ride home with him. He's the over and under achiever of the family. He graduated from UT Knoxville, got accepted to law school, went for one year, and dropped out. Now he works for some company setting up their new branches around the world. He's in Ireland or Scotland quite often. But he's never been married...not even close. He's somewhat of a kasguabkb. So I feel like poop because I've been running on an hour and a half of sleep. He wants to talk about school. He wants to tell me how my major needs to be profitable when I graduated and HOPEFULLY something I also enjoy. While I think he's annoying and pretty wrong, I don't even care. I'm just pissed because I can't sleep on the way home. Yay the icky guys just left. So that was that day. I got in bed around 7 or so. Now this annoying man just sat right beside me with his laptop. Freakin a...Luckily this font is small enough that he can't read it. He just asked for help connecting to Wi-Fi. I kinda feel bad for talking about him, but whatever.

So the next day was a Sunday. I went to Murfreesboro to stay with Courtney. That's an hour and fifteenish minutes from me. Bleh... And Daddy called sometime around Sunday, but definitely before Monday, to tell me Jess, my sister was pregnant again and due in August. He had just found out. He said we couldn't have been more surprised if you told him it was going to get dark outside in a few hours. Yes, it's that sad and expected.

Monday - We went to Green Hills in Nashville to take baby Mac to the Apple Store. Her HD crashed again Thursday night, the night before the night before I left Clemson. That's also a lot of the reason I haven't blogged. It doesn't feel right doing it from any other computer. Mmmmm these Krystals are good. I may have to follow this up with a trip to the Elk River Coffee Company. They have wireless there, too. Though I bet Amanda and Ali will call me as soon as they get out of school around 1. They'll come later in this entry. So Courtney and I set out into an almost unknown area of Nashville, at least to us. It was actually close to Downtown, but anyway. The trip should've taken about half an hour. It took almost two because of one wrong turn that I was told to make. Exit 3 off of I-24 splits to Hillsboro Pike and 21st Avenue. Pick a lane, any lane. They're the same road with a different name at either end. I need the left lane but was instructed to take the right. Bad day. I learned a lot about Nashville, though. We stopped once and asked a lady for directions. She told us very clearly where to go. We needed to turn onto Woodmont Street. Well we get going down the right direction look for it and see Woodsomethingelsebesidesmont. We both assumed she just had the last part wrong and took a left. There were really nice houses as she had described. But it brought us right back out where we had started when we got off the interstate. Later we found out there was a Woodmont Street just a little further down. We asked for directions at a gas station finally. The 21st Anenue part of the exit took us left on the road. We needed to be going right. The entire time we were only two or three miles from the place. Schwatev. We made it. I was told that I would be called when baby Mac was ready, and I'd have to come back to get her. Sweet. I'd beast Nashville when I came back. I took Courtney back to her apartment near MTSU and drove home. Next was Ashton's, my nephew's, second birthday party. That was fun. He was adorable...and big. Jess, his mom, wasn't even there. Not surprised, again. But he threw his play golf balls into the bushes only to hunt them out, point me to them, get me to climb in and get them, and have him throw them in again. He used the plastic clubs to wail at huge bubbles someone else was blowing. Fun stuff.

Tuesday - Tuesday was Brandon's day. I got up around 7:45, got dressed, drove to Columbia State's main campus (about an hour), and saw Brandon G graduate from the radiologic technology program. He was pretty. All scruffy and whatnot. Very scruffy. I'd never seen him so fuzzy. Anyway, T-Jo and Spencer were there, too. His possee. We ate at Zaxby's after the commencement and waited for his pinning ceremony at two. That ceremony was cooooool. There were only 21 people in his program, so it was personal for everyone there. The professors gave out superlatives of sorts. Brandon got the Lightbulb Award, because one day it just clicked on. That's a very Brandon award to get. I went home around five when all of the festivities were over. He and his boys were going to the cabin for the night, and while I'm the first and only girl ever allowed in there, that night wasn't for me. And sometime during the pinning ceremony, the Apple Store called and said baby Mac was ready.

Wednesday - I'm not even sure what I did. I was too tired to go get baby Mac, so I got a backlight for the clock and temperature controls in my car replaced. I read my book and lied across the couch in the Landers-McClarty Toyota Scion waiting area. It was nice. I saved a few page numbers in my phone of interesting quotes. And I went to the coffee shop, the Elk River Coffee Company. I know the name isn't needed, but it's soooo good. It's the best coffee place ever! And everyone should go! Okay, so it was my first time since I had been home. The only other times I was able to go were at night, and Lord knows I needed my sleep. So I always had to pass it up. When I walking to my car, Amanda and Ali scared the mess out of me. We went to a place on the square called The Blue Fish, I think. They always have cool pictures and stuff I want to buy.

What We Belive But Cannot Prove
Edited by: John Brockman

pages 51-52
"The instant we accept a given representation of the world as true, it becomes the basis for further thought and action; rejected as flase, it remains a string of words."
"What I believe, though cannot yet prove, is that belief is a content-independent process. Which is to say that beliefs about God-to the degree that they really are believed-are the same as beliefs about numbers, penguins, tofu, or anything else."
--- Sam Harris - graudate of Stanford University in philosophy, currently completing doctorate in neuroscience at UCLA, and author

pages 59-61
"Specifically, I am convinced that [humans] reached North America around 14,000 years ago, South America around 13,500 years ago, and Australia and New Guinea around 4,600 years ago, and that within a few centuries of those dates, humans were responsible for the extinction of most of the big animals of those continents."
"Every year beginning graduate students in archaeology and paleontology working in Africa or Europe or Asia uncover sites displaying an undisputed ancient human presence. Every year, such discoveries are announced for the Americas and Australia, too - but none has ever met the evidentiary standards of the sites in Afraica, Europe, or Asia. The big mammlas of the latter three continents survive because they had millions of years to learn fear of human hunters, whose skills evolved very slowly. The big animals of the Americas and Australia died out because their very first human encounters were with skilled, fully-modern hunters."
--- Jared Diamond - evolutionary biologist, professor of geography at UCLA, and Pulitzer Prize winning author

pages 82-83
"Numbers that are exact powers of two are 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128, and so on. Numbers that are exact powers of five are 5, 25, 125, 625, and so on. Given any number, such as 131,072 (which happens to be a power of two), the reverse of it is 270, 131, with the same digits taken in the opposite order. Now, my statement is this: It never happens that the reverse of a power of two is a power of five."
"The digits in a big power of two seem to occur in a random way, without any regular pattern. If it ever happened that the reverse of a power of two was a power of five, this would be an unlikely accident, and the chance of it happening grows smaller as the number grows bigger. If we assume that the digits occur at random, then the chance of the accident happening for any power of two greater than a billion is less than one in a billion."
--- Freeman Dyson - professor emeritus of physics at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton and author

pages 111-112
"I believe that human consciousness is a conjuring trick, designed to fool us into thinking we are in the presence of an inexplicable mystery."
"If the illusion that consciousness is an inexplicable mystery is a source of human hope, I suppose there is a real danger that exposing the trick might send us all to Hell."
--- Nicholas Humphrey - theoretical psychologist at the London School of Economics and author

Thursday - I had planned to go get baby Mac. Courtney was going to go, but Ms. Rhonda had a doctor's appointment. Brandon was going to go, but Mr. Michael had taken off work and needed his help doing stuff. The weather was horrible when I woke up, so I was eventually content with chilling at the hizzouse all day. But if I got baby Mac back the next day, it would make me really really busy and rushed. Mommy came home from lunch and said she'd take off to go with me that afternoon. I could always go by myself, but it was stormy. Plus it's always nice to have a mommy around. So we left town around three and got her back. We stopped at Starbucks before leaving Nashville. I was dying because I still hadn't caught up on sleep, and Mommy wanted to try something new. She really isn't a coffee drinker. She'll make some at home a few times a month and that's about the extent of it. I, on the other hand, love it more than I should. I've made sure that I don't rely on it to get by because, honestly, it puts me to sleep some days. But I definitely indulge more than I should. Most every day. So we go inside. I have no idea where to order. It's laid out all funkified. Really I've only been in two Starbucks in my life. North Myrtle Beach twice when I stayed with Timofee over Spring Break and the new one that opened in Clemson after Christmas break. I'd always had my hometown coffee shop to go to, which is better than Starbucks, but anyway. I tell Mutti what she'll like, a caramel macchiato. I order the typical tall iced white mocha with an extra pump. I always get that warm or iced, and it was a particularly warm day. Mutti liked hers but said she'd go with an extra pump next time, too. Mine was as good as Starbucks can do and exactly as sub-par as I had grown accustomed. I talked about Worldwidemoment the entire time we were there. We headed back to the house and stopped at my favorite truck stop a few exits before our own. Daddy and I have spent a lot fo Sunday mornings there. The Tennessean truck stop is super yummy delicious. Exit 22 on I-24. It's not sketch. It's really nice with a good buffet and the best breakfast anytime. We ate hamburgers and hamburger steaks with fries and baked potatoes, no sour cream extra butter. Home.

Friday - I finished up my Mother's Day shopping. I bought the Hoops and YoYo card two months ago in Clemson. I saw Mother's Day cards out and was like snap! I thought it was coming up, plus Hoops and YoYo are always welcome. I was going to get Mutti a necklace she wanted, but it was gone. The place always gets them in so I got her a gift card for it. No biggie. Mommy also wanted to get all the plants out of our front flower bed by the porch because she doesn't have time to mess with them. She had said something about putting in rocks or pebbles and lawn ornament type things and only having potted, easy to manage plants. It sounded like another project that would never happen unless she got a kick in the toot. I got her another gift card to a place that sells all kinds of rock and such like that. Gift cards seemed really not loving, but the idea behind them was good. That night was Tara's graduation at the Von Braun in Huntsville. Courtney and I went and ate at IHOP afterward. Yummy stuff. Chocolate chip pancakes and the second best chocolate cake I've ever had. Back home around midnight.

Saturday - I began unloading some of the boxes in the living room. I re-created the collage I had on the wall in my dorm in my bedroom at home. I moved sparkly cut-out stars from senior year's "Evening with the Stars" top 10 banquet to make room for actual pictures, one a guy from my town took of a pair of old timey glasses on a Bible opened to the Song of Solomon where one lens on the crease makes a heart, and one Benj took outside the venue the first night I ever saw Mae. I got the hammer and nails and left them out for someone else to hang. I'm very capable of such things, but also very bad at them. I don't like to measure, and my wall would look like the peg game at Cracker Barrel by the time I finished. Saturday night I went to Courtney's to watch 27 Dresses. I had seen it in theaters. It was good. A nice chick-flick that I needed. It was storming when I left, tornado watches in every county within 50 miles of me. And sure enough I was alone when I got back home. The satellite was cutting in and out and I couldn't find a radio station not playing music. The scanner I didn't know we had starting beeping and reading alerts. It scared the mess out of me. I unlugged the computer and TVs and all, put on my shoes, grabbed a pillow and a flashlight, and prepared myself for a long night. Momma was out in the middle of nowhere, and her phone didn't have service. Bubba's was going straight to voicemail. Daddy was in Texas. And these storms had already killed 20 people in Oklahoma and Arkansas earlier in the day. BIG FUN! I figured everyone was camped out for the night because no one needed to be driving in that storm. The thought of blogging annoys me. I can't believe I've written all this. Eventually Momma calls me back, calm as all get out, and says she's a few minutes from the house. Freakin a. I wasn't so much scared as I was tired and anxious, but tears welled up in my eyes. It was only for a few seconds and that was as far as it got, but gosh it felt good to know she was coming home. She laughed when she walked in and saw me loaded for bear. I was surrounded by safety. It was slightly comical, but I was sleepy. I immediately took off my shoes, changed into PJs, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. It was like no tornado could ever touch the house with Mutti in it.

Sunday - Mother's Day! Everyone woke up late. We gave Mutti her presents. That went well. She loved Hoops and YoYo. We decided to go eat at Ding How in Huntsville, Momma's favorite Chinese restuarant/resturant period. We (Momma, me, Bubba, and Jesse) all went in one car because, as Bubba said, it would "defeat the purpose of Mother's Day if we [took] separate vehicles." I didn't mind Jesse, Bubba's girlfriend, going even though she wasn't actually part of the family. She practically is, but still. The problems started when she didn't want to see Iron Man again when Momma mentioned it. She and Bubba decided they would see a different movie. Freakin a. THAT defeats the purpose of Mother's Day, you stooge! So I got annoyed. Then the one car decision made me mad. If the movies start and let out at different times, that will be quite inconvenient. If they end up having to go to a different theater, that'll be impossible and he'll get all pissy. Whatever. Get in the effin car. Let's go. We're crossing river bridge and Bubba decides he needs to go to Hibbets to get ball pants. He has a game Monday and won't have time after work to get them. Freakin a. Momma stops even though we're in a hurry because the movie starts in two hours and we have about a 45 minute drive to the restaurant. It takes him like 20 minutes. She knows getting upset will just make things worse. Then he decides he needs to go to Wal-Mart. I'm part mumbling/part yelling at this point. He's so disrespectful and self-centered sometimes. Luckily for him, he comes to his senses and decides Wal-Mart can wait. He's happy as a flower, singing as we ride down the road. I'm the one who's pissed now and will get blamed for ruining the trip if I keep it up. But I had no intention or want to calm down. I imagined hitting him on the head. I can't smack people. That seems demeaning, but I could pop him on the back of the head until year's end. I pout what I deem a sufficient amount of time and slowly get over it. We get to Ding How and it's crowded. We wait a few minutes and look at the kissie fish in the tank in the lobby. They were sooo coooool. I'm getting some for my dorm next year. We get seated and the waitress brings us all the complimentary water before taking our orders. She had three glasses in one hand and proceeds to spill an entire one on Momma. She stands up...and laughs until she cries. I laugh, too. Bubba acts all pissed and protective and gets annoying as always. We order number 81 with egg drop soup and no roll. We drink sweet tea. We leave. By the time we get to the movies, it's 3:15. We had planned to be there by two. All that we can see is Iron Man or Made of Honor. I don't care much either way. We decide on Made of Honor at 3:50. It was good. It was another needed chick-flick. I still think I need another. We finish off our traditional bag of Raisinets and liter of water. Yes, the Rave gives you an entire liter of Dasani. We leave. Mommy mentions she wants to try another caramel macchiato. There are two more Starbucks places before we get out of Huntsville. We stop and I order for everyone who is retarded when it comes to ordering such things. The drinks are gooood. We go hoooome. I watch more movies and Scrubs because Momma forgot to get satellite hooked up in my room. I think that makes 9 movies now since I've been home.

Monday - TODAY! Finally I'm here! Well BD called this morning and invited me to hang with some of her and her boyfriends new friends from school. Some guy he works with and some new girl from Texas she befriended. I got ready and came to Krystals, where I sit right now and have been for about two and a half hours. I passed Chad, BD's boyfriend, as I came in. He was headed to her house with lunch. Then Daddy called right after I ordered. He's in El Paso and woke up with his throat swollen shut. He had five prescriptions and needed to ask if he could use his prescription card anywhere. Then he called back a few minutes ago to ask me to put money in the checking account to cover his medicine. He said he feels fine except his uvula is about three times the normal size. Odd... And now I'm waiting on Amanda and Ali to possibly call because they mentioned they were both off this afternoon. We shall see. I may go to Bubba's ball game tonight. I haven't been able to see him play yet. I got a parking ticket at Clemson a few days before I left for parking in front of my building. Technically it's for service vehicles only, but kids park there everyday. EVERYDAY. I parked to run up to my room, grab books, and head to Jittery Joe's to study for calculus. I got a ticket, along with the four other cars parked up there. Whatever. It was $15. I paid it. And today I got a check in the mail reimbursing me. No explanation, just an official Clemson check. That parking man just got pwned! And maybe fired. What a stooge... And baby Macs INCASE cover came in today. She is now African American/black. Oh so sleek.

Enough for now. There's more. I know it. But enough and all aren't the same thing. Enough.

My collage in ze dorm. Holmes 219

Brandon G...

oh the smiles and warm fuzzy feelings

The love of my life....at least for today...almost in a completely platonic way...but not really...but not THAT kind of love either. Hmm...interesting.

Brett aka Benji Daily: Day 115 "Vibram Five Fingers"

Brett aka Benji Daily: Day 122 "The Existential Breakdown"

"You Gotta Be" - Des'ree

t

I feel like so much has happened in the past week. Last night was exactly a week since the night I saw Mae, since the night I met Benj. We're on a roll, and it seems like it should've taken us longer than this one week to accomplish all we have. He's truly one of the most amazing people I'll ever know. "Let's talk about something real and never know the color of each other's eyes." I don't even have to make sure I quoted it verbatim because I know it by heart already. Amazing amazing man. Superman. He hasn't saved a tiger or started a school in BFE, but he doesn't need to. His talents are being put to use in other ways, and he's luckily a good person who wants the accomplishment to be not just within himself but within others as well. I can't say enough about him.

We had a dance party in the student post office today. Heather and I at least. Miley Cyrus came on. We had to. Actually we had a short dance party in the Holmes hallway on the way to lunch. We had just finished watching Hairspray and couldn't stop the beat.

There's a huge spider in our room. I noticed him on the ceiling when I woke up this morning. We kept track of him for a while, but now he's MIA. I'm pretty scared. He's about the size of a pingpong ball. Let me know if you see him.

just a rant

"some make others happy and help the world. those people they help may never know anything had to be done for them to get that fresh food or water, or be able to go to school, or get that present on their birthday. though recognition isn't necessary, those people affected get so much out of knowing someone cares for them. even if they realize someone else made one of those, or many other, things possible, what are the chances the two will ever meet and carry on a conversation more than once or twice? what are the chances they'll ever meet? throw some stuff in a donation box and be done with it. travel the world to bring about bigger change but do it through ambassadors and leaders. their work is noble, no question about it, but there is more to be had in some ways.

 

helping en masse is never a bad thing, but helping on a, possibly smaller, more personal level can be just as or more rewarding. it can be helpful on an individual basis as opposed to a group basis. the awesome thing is you may not being making a conscious effort to help anyone, and that person may not be making a conscious effort to ask or receive help. however, the benefits come soon enough. it's about interaction as much as it is causing change. people may not be lacking food or money to an extent as to ask for help, but other things are necessary to lead a meaningful, fulfilled life. we're the lucky ones. we know we'll get by somehow. we always do. that isn't so for some, but it is for us. therefore, our talents should be focused on the bigger picture: making the world a better place through its people.

 

it's all a chain. communication is one of the greatest tools we utilize as humans. when a plan is made to help a large number of people, why should communication between the giver and the receivers be no longer a necessity? it's because people don't have time. it's because people don't want to be recognized for what they do. that somehow makes it less of a good deed. i say sign your name to every can of food and pack of pencils. it doesn't matter what the name is. it matters that there is a name there of someone who wants you to succeed. someone who wants you to be happy. in all actuality, personal mental and emotional growth aren't required for the act of living, but they're vital nonetheless.

you have to be happy, TRULY happy, before you can see the world as good and the things you do in it as beneficial. others are already there. others already know."

"'it's because people don't have time. it's because people don't want to be recognized for what they do. that somehow makes it less of a good deed. i say sign your name to every can of food and pack of pencils. it doesn't matter what the name is. it matters that there is a name there of someone who wants you to succeed.'

I think that's a very interesting point. I've not heard anyone look at it like that before. We fall into the stereotype of generosity and philanthropy: "do unto others as you wish them to do unto you",  and giving is only giving if you don't ask for anything in return. And the like.

My old roommate and I used to have this argument that all actions are selfish. I think I was on the side that it was true, and he was adamantly (get it, adam-antly) against it. I always found it to be a surprising argument because he was a very honest, very brash, very instinctual. And I was very nice, very amiable, very passive. But I would argue with him, "Of course everything we do can be considered "selfish". We're fighting to stay alive. Even if you boil down love, you're in love because it makes you personally feel good. Or even if you boil down justice and morality: you chase down a purse-snatcher on the street because you'll feel like you triumphed over the adversary." And that's not to say we don't want justice or righteousness or love. But I felt like it certainly could be argued that we're doing things for our inner core. 

But while that is true, we can learn to counter that feeling by reflecting those feelings outward towards others. If we feel good about sending pencils or a can of food to Africa, it's that simple: we feel good about it because we can rest assured we've done good. But if you let it ripple you even add a person touch like signing your name to the box and you're addressing that "selfishness". And once you address something it looses it's power, or you gain control over it. And so with your point it seems like yes, we're doing some of these actions for ourselves, but we know it, and therefore that feeling dwindles and allows the goodness of it to have wings.

I'm happy you wrote. I love reading messages from friends. I don't want the letter to become a lost art. So many emails are a few sentences just making demands or saying "hey". We need to keep the art of the pen pal and the real person to person sharing alive."

For Armandi =)

I honestly can't think of a single person who just blatantly dislikes me. There may be someone or a million someones, but I don't know about it if there are. It's cool with me either way. I like who I am, and that's all I'm concerned with.

I'm in a Mae mood. Reflections just came on Heather's computer, and I want to turn it up louder. Unfortunately, her laptop is across the room. But I can't turn on mine because we always take turns. Hmm... All is well. She didn't have any Mae on her playlist last semester. Now she has every album thanks to my constant playing of them. Yay.

I'm not sure if Armandi does it purposely, but he leaves a "t" out of my name. It's become endearing. He's such a sweetheart. =)

This was going to be much longer and posted a few days ago. Sorry Armandi.

worldwidemoment

look it up on facebook and myspace

its pretty sweet i must say

Finals week! Woo!

indeed

Life has seemed shallow these past few days. I need more human interaction that is meaningful.

effin a

In comparison to the last month or so of my life, today has been terrible. I have more poignant, unladylike terms in my head, but I'm leaving it at this. It's bad enough that I think them now when I swore I never would, but to type and say them would only add to the "badness" of it. I have to halfway study for calc, so I can blog in a minute. Crazy horrible day after possibly the best day of my life. Go figure...

el robotics-o

    Zieja's team's alliance won the world championship in Atlanta. They are one of the best three robots in the world and part of the best alliance in the world. I was so far beyond happy when they won. I didn't go hoarse screaming for my team. We're small. We're rookies. No one expects too much. In all fairness we did really well for a rookie team. The guys' attitudes and determination were the most impressive parts. They woke up early to get to the pit to see why stuff on Leeroy Jenkins wasn't working even though they weren't even sure they'd figure it out or be able to fix it. Anyway, back to Zieja's team.

    I met him two years ago at the same event. I don't remember how, but he's really good about striking up conversations with people. On Friday he and I were having lunch, and we ended up asking to Californian girls to eat with us after we talked to them in line to Roma at the WCC. He's definitely a northerner. He can be cold, but I let it go. I know that's the norm for him and he doesn't mean anything by it. For the most part, he's one of the most intelligent and caring people I know, not to mention fashionable. It's funny to see him in his crazy lime green Thunderchickens shirt with his fancy jeans and shoes. He's a big spender. I love him to death. Our differences make me laugh most of the time. While we were in line for food, people kept cutting through because there were sooooooo many freakin people there. I told him it was going to get on his nerves before it got on mine because he was from the North. Sure enough, a few minutes later he was getting really pissed. We stood i line over and hour, and people passed through every 2 minutes or so. It was annoying, but it's to be expected.

    So anyway, after the Newton division's top 8 alliance picks, my team wasn't chosen. No surprise. Sixty other teams weren't chosen either. I know Zieja's team was picked because they always own. They won two regionals this year and were a finalist in the other one they attended. They have huge sponsors and a ridiculous budget. They're former world champions (2006) and havev a Woodie Flowers award I think. Whatever. They're awesome and huge. 49 team members. So they actually expected to win worlds. Or expected it was a possibility I should say. They knew the capabilities were there. And they pulled it off. I'm all over the place. Back to our team not being picked for final rounds. I went to Galileo after lunch because I knew Zieja's team was in the first ranked alliance in that division. They went through quarter-finals, semi-finals, and finals. They owned them all. I sat with their team for a few of the matches, and went to the bottom of the arena to take pictures and such when the team went down to get awards. Then they had to go straight to Einstein since they won their division and compete against the winning alliances from the other three divisions: Newton, Curie, and Archimedes. I couldn't sit with them anymore because winning teams had reserved seating, and I technically wasn't on the team. I stood at the top of the lower-level and leaned against a pole for closing ceremonies and the finals matches for over two hours. My feet were already so tired, but it was worth it. I screamed my lungs out every time they were up. In semis they lost, won, and won. Finals: won, won. I was sooooo stoked. I cried and took videos and pictures and prayed to myself and fjksbjahf. It was ridiculous. I wasn't even on the team but was sooo happy for Zieja.

    I got to see him more this year than any other. Last year he met my mom when we came to watch, and we talked for a bit. That was basically it. I only met him the year before, so of course we weren't good friends at the time This year we had lunch, ran through the aquarium together, and just ran around. I saw him almost as much as my team. It was pretty sweet. 

More later...

The A.T.L.

I made it to Atlanta. The trip was quite interesting. The first 90% was fine. The last 10% took almost half of the total time it took me to get here. I may elaborate later. Traffic was poo. One way streets were poo. Going in circles was poo. Poo poo poo... But I made it, and I get a media pass. I'm not sure how cool that is, but I've never had one before. I'm stoked for pictures. I took some on the balcony tonight. Tomorrow shall be awesome.

I saw Zieja. =) He makes me happy. I plan to hang out with him as much as possible. My team from home is here somewhere. I'll find them. They're in my division, so it shouldn't be difficult. 

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=22582875002&ref=mf

You should join it. ^

I hope my car doesn't get stolen. Atlanta is kinda sketch.

My robotics boys like to jay-walk. I'm going to ground them if they do it again.

ljashkjasd

A lot of amazing things have been happening to me lately. I'm really not in the mood to waste my time on the computer today. I have a book and a lot of free time. I'll bombard this thing with stories the next time I'm free and feel like writing.